Have you ever had a terrifying dream? A nightmare really. Something that seemed so undeniable real but you prayed to god it would never actually happen? A dream where you’re so incredibly heartbroken and scared in that dream you wake up in a panic? Sometimes I even wake up in tears. It’s been that way since I was little.

Last night I had a dream about my husband having an affair with a co-worker. They were passing notes during a training class and meeting up at various locations through work. All the while, I was idly standing by and they didn’t know I was there. In my dream I was so devastated. Crying and screaming hysterically but no one could hear me. I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t make it go away. I was telling myself to wake up but I couldn’t. When I finally came to, I looked over at my husband and I thought to myself “thank god, it was just a dream” and rested my head back on my pillow as I swept my hand across his face. Then after taking a deep breathe, I realized my dream was my reality. That all of it was true and here I was, motionless. Crying to myself knowing there was never anything I could do about what happened. I was screaming too. On the inside. I was devastated all over again.

While I’m trying my best not to let this consume my entire day, it’s not exactly the best way to start it.

I hate the fact that I’ve made it through so much in my life. Dealing with a child with cancer, a divorce, among many other things. Yet, I cannot get over this.

Growing up, I was taught to fix what’s broken, not just throw it away. 

I think I understand it all now. 

Since I discovered that my husband had an affair for nearly 10 months through 2012, I have been trying to figure out why. “Why did this happen” “Why did you do this to me”… then it turned into.. “Okay, why did he do this?” “What was going so wrong that he felt the need to have his needs met by another woman?”. I wanted to know for personal reasons of course, but I wanted to do absolutely everything I possibly could to prevent it from happening again. I wanted to be everything for him. I want him to never want anyone else and give me an opportunity to be what he needs.But that’s just it, he didn’t even give me a chance to be what he wanted. That’s the part that gets to me the most. 

I was lead to believe that everything was absolutely perfect. That life was good and my husband was happy. The frequent Facebook posts and telling me every single day how pretty I am and how much he loves me. Even if I’d made him mad. 

In fact, when I heard a rumor that he cheated on me, here was his public response… 

“I’m going to put this out there I am not fucking a co worker or fucking around on my wife i do not hang out with people outside of work none if that shit bitches need to get over themselves and do better things with there life. I love my wife very much and would never do that to her. So fuck you all its lies get over it. I love you Marissa”

Who wouldn’t believe that? Who wouldn’t believe being told all the time how they could never ever do that to you because they have better morals? I was angry at myself for believing his lies. But that part wasn’t my fault either. He’s a very good actor. 

So I’ve been asking myself over and over, what could I have done differently. What drove him to do this. Then, last night, I read a quote from a marriage page I follow. I thought to myself “No, this isn’t right. I didn’t deserve this. I didn’t do this. I didn’t bring this on myself”. I didn’t even have a clue it was coming. My sex life was phenomenal and never lacked. I was so blissfully happy in my relationship most of the time, that I didn’t even notice what was happening. Normally you can tell. Your man will start to take better care of himself, avoid sex, etc. Nope. Nothing  I was completely left in the dark. Betrayed. Denied of any chance to fix whatever had been done. 

When you agree to marry someone, you commit your life to that person and only that person (unless you’ve agreed on another arrangement together of course). You are supposed to be faithful to your spouse NO MATTER WHAT. You don’t get to be faithful only when you think they deserve it or when they’re being good to you. You are supposed to be faithful ALL the time regardless. My husband has made a lot of mistakes. He’s completely and utterly crushed my heart probably a dozen times, but I would NEVER cheat on him. Why don’t others view it this way?

So, here’s what I’ve decided. Cheating is wrong regardless of your reasoning. It is wrong regardless of how your spouse is currently treating you. Cheating is a selfish act of the person who does it. Cheating IS NOT your fault. No matter how bad things get, you should always be the adult and simply end the relationship. The grass is NOT greener on the other side. Your grass just needs a little TLC. 

I hope this helps someone someday that goes through something similar. Please remember that you worth it. 

(via theuntetheredsoul)

Today I’m just tired of feeling worthless. Like I don’t matter. I’m always second best. The second option.

Somehow, you’ve managed to tear me down. Down to my bare bones. You’ve stripped me of my ability to feel . My ability to trust. 

Somehow, you’ve managed to tear me down. Down to my bare bones.

You’ve caused inexcusable pain and suffering.

Somehow, you’ve managed to tear me down. Down to my bare bones.

You’ve turned me into a person I do not recognize.  

Somehow, you’ve managed to tear me down. Down to my bare bones. 

You’ve damaged me beyond repair.

Somehow, you’ve managed to tear me down. Down to my bare bones. 

And I let you. 

You’ve torn me down. Down to my bare bones.

© Marissa Wood - Juicyyyxo

Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible

Falling out of love is hard
Falling for betrayal is worse
Broken trust and broken hearts
I know, I know

Thinking all you need is there
Building faith on love and words
Empty promises will wear
I know, I know

And now when all is gone
There is nothing to say
And if you’re done with embarrassing me
On your own you can go ahead tell them

It’s gonna hurt when it heals too
It’ll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I’m gonna smile cause I deserve to 
It’ll all get better in time